Discussions about intense topics can easily turn into a disagreement. If you add emotions and poor communication, the situation can easily become even more unproductive. In these situations, people often tell the other person that 'they're not listening'. That may very well be true. But psychologists at the University of Pennsylvania want to point out something: just because someone disagrees with us doesn't mean they're not listening.
“It is important for people to feel listened to in professional and personal communications, and yet they can feel unheard even when others have listened well. We propose that this feeling may arise because speakers conflate agreement with listening quality,” wrote the researchers.
Agree to disagree
In their recent study, the researchers examined the interactions of 3,396 adults in 11 conversation-focused experiments focused on various topics and mediums, such as face-to-face, text, and video. Some of the topics were quite controversial, such as free speech, police reform, and vaccine mandates. To isolate 'agreement' as the only variable, the researchers kept the listener's objective constant or manipulated it. For example, in some cases, the listener had to indicate whether they agreed with the speaker only after the conversation ended.
The researchers noticed that speakers often see listeners as more attentive if they agree with the speakers’ opinions, regardless of the actual quality of listening displayed.
For example, in one experiment where a hiring decision was simulated, speakers felt more understood and believed their listeners were more engaged when there was agreement with their hiring recommendations. A simple nod may be taken as good listening, even if the other person’s mind is on a completely different topic. On the other hand, speakers tended to assume that those who disagreed weren’t listening well.
“This effect seemed to emerge because speakers believe their views are correct, leading them to infer that a disagreeing listener must not have been listening very well. Indeed, it may be prohibitively difficult for someone to simultaneously convey that they disagree and that they were listening,” the researchers wrote.
The study also investigated whether improving listening habits could help in situations where the listener disagrees with the speaker. Despite efforts to improve listening quality by showing attentiveness, comprehension, and respect, these high-quality listening markers often made speakers feel as though the listener agreed more with their stance than they actually did.
In other words, demonstrating more involvement through active listening techniques does indeed improve the speaker’s perception that their views are being listened to, but this also distorts the speaker’s interpretation of the listener’s degree of agreement with their arguments. This further emphasizes this psychological effect. Speakers confuse conversation agreement with listening quality.
The psychology of listening perceptions
This phenomenon is related to the concept of naive realism, where individuals believe their own views are the objective truth. So, if someone disagrees, they assume the other party wasn't paying attention or didn't understand.
This intuitive assumption suggests that our perceptions directly reflect reality, accurately capturing objects and events as they exist. However, research in psychology and neuroscience shows that our perceptions are actually interpretations formed by our brains from limited sensory data.
People's interpretations are influenced by their past experiences, expectations, and cultural backgrounds. This means that the same situation can be seen differently by different people. Naive realism oversimplifies the complex relationship between perception and reality, which often leads to misunderstandings in everyday life and communication.
However, psychology and neuroscience also tell us that we can overcome our cognitive biases once we realize them. For example, we might realize that a conversation is frustrating not because the other person is not actively listening, but simply because they have a different, maybe opposite, view. We can then adjust our communication style. Maybe this could help avoid unnecessary arguments in the future.
The research was published in the journal Psychological Science.
