‘I thought you were interested in me’: why some men misunderstand women’s sexual interest, even when they don’t seem friendly

You’ve likely heard the saying “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus” before. This saying was created by author John Gray, who used it as the title of a very popular book. Here he aims to explain how men and women live in different “worlds” and expect different things from a relationship. However, modern research indicates the central idea of this book is incorrect.

Despite what many have been led to believe by catchy book titles, there is no such thing as a “male” or “female” brain. There is no proof that men have brains that predispose them toward aggression and logic or that women are somehow neurologically wired toward nurturing, creativity, and emotional outbursts. Research shows that men’s and women’s brains aren’t significantly different. however, I think this slogan is a quite good metaphor for explaining how men and women approach sexual intentions and finding a partner. Nevertheless, research indicates that men's and women's brains are not significantly different at all.

Nonetheless, I believe this phrase is a good comparison for describing how men and women perceive sexual interest and seeking a partner.

The Variances Lie in Reproductive Strategies

Although both genders have a natural biological desire to reproduce, their reproductive tactics are drastically distinct. A man’s reproductive success, meaning the number of offspring he produces, depends on how many women he is able to impregnate. For men, sex is typically a low-risk, high-reward situation, from an evolutionary perspective.

However, that's not the case for women. A woman faces the risks of pregnancy, childbirth, nursing, and raising the child, as well as missed opportunities to reproduce with potentially more suitable men. Therefore, it’s common for women to receive a lot of sexual attention from men. But her best interests require a lot of rejection.

These differing interests might also clarify a long-standing observation, Heterosexual men often misinterpret sexual interest from women far more frequently than the reverse.

To be fair to everyone, evaluating sexual intentions can be challenging for both men and women. Naturally, it’s made more complicated because most people are extremely hesitant to reveal their intentions directly. Instead, people often engage in behaviors that only suggest their sexual intentions. We ensure actions could be interpreted as friendly to provide plausible deniability in case of rejection — a kind of social defense that guards against embarrassment. However, the issue with this mixed signaling is that it can lead to misunderstandings and misinterpretations.

An interesting 2014 study discovered that women often feel that men misinterpret their indications of friendliness as sexual interest. Conversely, the men in the study reported that women often misread their indications of sexual interest as friendliness. It’s frustrating for all involved, no doubt. But what about those situations where women don’t show signs of friendliness, yet they’re still misunderstood by some men as being sexually interested?

A recent study carried out in Germany sheds light on the dynamics of such situations. The study reveals that incongruity in cues — where a woman’s verbal or nonverbal signals do not match her appearance — and the man’s level of sexual arousal significantly influence these misunderstandings to a notable extent. Additionally, men who frequently misinterpret these cues were more likely to exhibit misogynistic tendencies.

Understanding Mixed Sexual Signals Can Be Challenging

There are good reasons for men to accurately understand a woman’s sexual interest before approaching. Getting it right can help them avoid negative outcomes like rejection or more serious issues like accusations of inappropriate behavior or sexual harassment. The researchers wanted to find out why some men misunderstand these signals even though it's better to avoid doing so. They focused on non-verbal cues like female body language and clothing.

To investigate, the study enlisted 79 young heterosexual male participants from a German college town. The researchers used mouse-tracking software to track the participants’ first instincts as they made choices on a computer screen. The software records the speed, direction, and hesitation of movements. The goal was to assess the participants’ initial reactions, so they had to act fast.

Participants had to choose between pairs of images showing women in different attire and with different facial expressions. These pairs contrasted specific cues, like flirtatious or rejecting expressions, with more general cues, such as casual or revealing clothing. The study used a total of 192 images. Participants had to quickly pick an image of a woman they believed was more likely to be flirting with them at that moment. This was done both before and after the participants listened to an erotic audio story to induce sexual arousal.

Moreover, participants completed questionnaires assessing various dimensions related to sexuality, including acceptance of rape myths, sexual desire, and tendencies towards sexual objectification.

The results revealed that the participants struggled to understand sexual interest from women displaying mixed signals. For example, when a woman’s attire was sexually suggestive but her facial expression was rejecting, they found it more challenging. This led to a higher rate of misinterpretation, with men more likely to mistakenly perceive sexual interest. The number of errors increased after the participants were sexually aroused.

The Influence of Sexual Objectification and Desire on Misunderstandings

Further analysis showed that men with a higher sexual drive and a stronger tendency to sexually objectify women were particularly prone to these misunderstandings. This group of men tended to overlook the woman’s rejecting facial expressions and instead relied on the more general clothing cues that matched their own arousal levels.

Even though the researchers observed a lot about cursor movements, they found that these factors had little impact compared to the actual decisions the participants made.

“Ultimately, it was the mistakes that mattered the most, especially as they were significantly linked to the participants’ self-reported problematic (e.g., exploitative, disinhibited) sexuality. This finding is methodologically promising but also quite unexpected,” explained study author Ingo Landwehr, a PhD student at the Institute of Psychology at Johannes Gutenberg University Mainz. PsyPost.

The researchers of the study also say that the idea of “optimistic gender cognition” (OGC) makes things even more complex. OGC means that some men overly positively interpret a woman’s sexual interest. This optimism can continue even when they try to follow social or personal norms, especially when they are very excited and just want immediate gratification.

In some situations, men care so much about their own pleasure that they completely ignore women’s signals, basing their actions on a strong preference for instant sexual satisfaction. This approach ignores any possible social norms or the need for self-control. The decision making that follows is only focused on self-gratification and does not take into account the woman’s feelings or consent.

The study also proposes that it might be helpful to distinguish between mistakes made due to a lack of self-control and those that come from a self-centered pursuit of pleasure. This could be especially important in legal situations where accurately assessing someone’s intentions and actions is crucial.

The findings were published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior.